Overloaded with unexplainable emotions

This morning I woke up got dressed and ready to spend my Christmas at church. I got all dressed up put on my pretty shoes and was about to head out the door when my phone rang telling me to go to the hospital because my father was there for possible kidney pain. As I got in my car I prayed from the time I walked out of the door to the time I got to the hospital. I got in there kissed my dad and waited. I don't know if it was wrong but all I could think about was being with my church family. I know God as a healer and that my daddy was going to be ok but I had to support him. Then I got a text that my church gave me a should out! I was happy because I knew that they were praying for my dad, all I could say was that I sure do love my church family! In the end daddy is ok and he gets to go home but needs to take it easy and get his back checked.

On the way home I notice how deserted everything is and how the holidays are just not the same, but I am so glad that I know it is not about the material gifts but the Gift of God...Jesus Christ. I don't have family here to spend the holidays with even though I have friends so I decided to just stay home and watch a movie and eat leftovers. As I sat down and started my movie the phone rang so I answered it thinking I was just going to say Merry Christmas to one of my dear sisters in Christ which I did but she also told me something to blow my mind. Well the text that I received saying that the church gave me a shout out was not because of my dad. Shockingly it was my Pastor giving a praise report for me...but it was a little off. My Pastor announced to the church that I was diagnosed with HIV, which is not a problem at all most who know me know this already, but that my doctor said that I no longer had AIDS! When they tested me they could not find it so I am cured! Wow!! This is so scarey for me because the truth of the matter is...1. I do not have AIDS and never did...2. I am currently on medication that is causing the virus to become undetectable to the tests that physicians give...3. Now I have to face everyone and truly educate them.

I am not saying I do not confess my healing or believe that God can heal me. As a matter of fact I declare that I am healed. In the eyes of my Heavenly Father I am TOTALLY  healed, in the eyes of man and scientists the medication is what is blocking the virus from replicating in me. The reason for this blog is just to get things off of my chest. I truly do not understand why I am having an emotional breakdown about this. I am wondering if it is because I feel the need to explain to the congregation the correct diagnosis or is it that I really don't believe that I am truly healed by God, or is it that people may be in my face, or is it that I am afraid that some guy will want to talk to me this time because they 'heard' that I am no longer infected, maybe it is just that I am nervous about taking the next step in my ministry to educate churches on HIV/AIDS the CORRECT way. Maybe this is my time to educate the many ministries who ignore this epidemic, even mine. No one really looks into any type of disease/illness unless they are affected by it in some way through themselves, close friends, or loved ones. Honestly, do I really have unexplained emotions because I am by myself for the holidays? Smh, I really have no idea what my issue is but I will say that I am praying and asking God to really really help me with this one. I should be happy, I should be jumping up and down, I should be grateful. I am happy and I am definitely grateful....ok maybe I am just trippin'....

...to be continued

Can't wait to get away!!