11 years

This was my post on Facebook today:

11 years ago today I went to the doctors for what I thought was going to be an scheduling of a biopsy to check for cancer. I left the doctor's office distraught from a positive test for HIV. I knew it wasn't a death sentence but I did not know that The Lord had me covered in His hands. I was told to my face that this was purposely done to me and asked what I was going to do about it. With God holding me I made a choice to not go to prison or die getting revenge but instead I was given the strength to STAND. I was led to be transparent and tell my story without caring what others thought about me bc I was protected by my Daddy. He gave me the strength to educate, motivate, and elevate. It was not about me but speaking out was for me to receive my healing and then some. I am praising God bc I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I Am God's Favorite Healed and Extraordinary Daughter and there is nothing anyone can do or say to change that! I'm living life free and on purpose!!! ♥

As of 9:36pm I have 100 likes and 44 comments. Everyone had such amazing things to say, the love and support is so heartfelt. 11 years ago if someone told me my life would be this extraordinary I would not have believed them. I have to ask myself...why am I feeling so sad and I just keep crying today? I know a portion is gratitude and tears of joy but the other tears aren't. I look forward to the day that I do not feel like I am going to bust open if I don't cry...that is how I have felt all day since I got to work. One thing triggered it and it has been continual since then. I know I can pray, I even listened to the Word for a few hours and spoke to someone who I love so much and hold dear to my heart but nothing has comforted me yet. I just want to take a long drive with my music in my ears until I cannot drive anymore. 

I am grateful for so much love and support in my life. I am grateful that God kept me from killing my ex-husband and possibly getting prison time or losing my life. I am grateful that I am undetectable and healthy as an eagle. I am grateful to hear the words I love you. 

I just want this sadness to go away.